When the Balls Drop by Brad Garrett

Author:Brad Garrett [Garrett, Brad]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Biography & Autobiography, Comedian, Entertainment & Performing Arts, Humor, Nonfiction, Personal Memoirs, Retail
ISBN: 9781476772905
Google: lLydBAAAQBAJ
Barnesnoble:
Publisher: Gallery Books
Published: 2015-05-05T04:00:00+00:00

15

Dating after Forty-Five

Dating when you’re middle-aged means you bring to the table a plethora of experience that it would have been impossible to possess earlier in life. And with that experience comes the luxury of lowering the bar, along with your expectations. At this point in your life, you should have nothing to prove and no one to impress. The opposite sex must lower their bar as well so the food chain can shift dramatically. It’s either that or everyone ends up alone.

Blind dates become much more prevalent in this stage of life (for good reason), and online dating has several advantages as well. The best part about dating at this age is that you have so many more excuses to bail when the fit isn’t right. When you’re twenty-six and you cancel because you’re “not feeling well,” she knows for a fact you’re full of shit. If you cancel at fifty-three, the excuses are endless and most likely probable. You will have at least three medical conditions to point to, as well as memory loss, sudden death of a friend, irritable bowel syndrome (my favorite go-to; usually buys me a week), your own sudden death, forgetting where you parked, and numbness of the lower extremities.

If you find yourself dating at this point in your life, you have two choices: stay within your generation or go for someone you have no right being with but feel you’ve finally earned. I recommend the latter because you’ve most likely tried the other and it led to a divorce, boredom, hatred, or all of the above, so what have you got to lose? Pray you find someone who does not rely on your body or personality as the attraction, because one is shot and the other is warped. Maybe she’ll like you for your money, or your boat, or the cabin in Aspen. It’s all good. That’s why you got that shit in the first place, remember? To attract the pink, get into a relationship where you can say, “We’re using each other and we’re fine with it.” It doesn’t get healthier than that.

You never hear a fifty-year-old say, “I hope to settle down with my best friend.” That’s thirtysomething bullshit. At fifty, you most likely already have a best friend or two. Now it’s time for someone who isn’t expecting much, has her own independence, and will let you take the A-Train once every couple months, regardless of her age.

Ironically, the truest love of my life, IsaBeall, is twenty-four years my junior. And no, that’s not why she’s the love of my life. But it helps. I fell right into the stereotype that I used to make fun of in my act, and now I have a slew of jokes shining a light on our age difference. How she colors the menu when we go out to dinner; the way her big-girl shoes light up when she walks; how a game of “got your nose” is considered foreplay; how we met when

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